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WE ARE PHILOSOPHERS

(written for the World Congress of Philosophy, Beijing 2018)

Georg Chia Chen Wu

 

 Chu Tsu ( The Chef ) has prepared himself very well while -

 Jiao Tsu ( Dumpling ) is playing Water Polo in Beihai;(1)

 Bao Tsu ( Big Dumpling ) in his Zen meditation inside the Nestle;(2)

 Gua Tsu ( Melon Seeds ) singing ballade inside the Sky Temple (3) and

 Lee Tsu ( Plum ) crying on the Great Walls. (4)

 

 They

 watch

 Ju Tsu (5) fall and have a somersault

while Xun Tsu (6) fart and belch;

Confucius (7) smoke and spit and

Mou Tsu (8) beat the dog and bump into a wall.

 

 It is you

 who argue

 Han Fei Tsu (9) was not an illegitimate son

 while Bau Pu Tsu (10) a good guy.

 When Gui Gu Tsu (11) just had twin sons,

 Huai Nan Tsu (12) was never out of wedlock.

 

 Erstwhile

 Ruan Tsu ( Egg ) was mad at Jing Tsu ( Sperm ).

 Ma Tsu ( Girlfriend ) was playing Bian Tsu ( Whip ).

 Jiu Tsu ( Uncle -in-law ) backed up his Sau Tsu ( Sister-in-law ).

 Tong Tsu ( Boy ) has given birth to Chong Tsu ( Worm ).

 

 Nie Tsu ( Prodigal Son ) held up Yie Tsu ( Coconut ).

 Bai Tsu ( White Child ) discovered Hei Tsu ( Kuroko )

 Fu Tsu ( The Master ) lost Xue Tsu ( Student )

 Wai Tsu ( Husband ) became She Li Tsu ( Relic )

 

 They

 argued again

 " If Chuang Tsu (13) is a woman;

 then Tseng Tsu (14) a pious son.

 If Pian Tsu ( Film ) has no liars;

 then Shi Tsu Tou ( Lion's Head ) has no lice.

Thus

 we

 can only offer

 that Mencius (15) is getting the better of Yin Tsu ( Money );

 Gong Suen Long Tsu (16) can no longer help himself fall in love with Kai Tsu ( the Rich );

 Lie Tsu (17) curses that he is nobody but Dai Tsu ( Fool ) and

 Shen Tsu (18) goes away to let Lou Tsu ( Problem ) in

 

 Bi Tsu ( Nose ) throws up Dou Tsu ( Bean ) while

 Nau Tsu ( Brain ) fills himself with Wan Tsu ( Meat Ball );

 Yan Ju Tsu ( Eye-ball ) is full of Sha Tsu ( Sand ) and

 Xiao Tsu ( Lad ) only misses Chiang Tsu ( Intestine )

 

 You

 Chorus

 " They met Ding Tsu ( Nail ) this summer in Beijing

  while Ding Tsu said there's Lan Tsu ( Basket ) below you;

  Lan Tsu said she had Tong Tsu ( Basin ) inside

  While Tong Tsu said the above is Gai Tsu ( Cap ).

  Gai Tsu said beside me is Shuan Tsu ( Embolus )

  While Shuan Tsu said on the left is He Tsu ( Box ).

  He Tsu said on the right is Xia Tsu ( Small Box )

  While Xia Tsu said outside is Tao Tsu ( Cover ).

  Tao Tsu said behind is the Zhu Tsu ( Pillar )

 While Zhu Tsu said in the front is Xiang Tsu ( Big Box ).

 Xiang Tsu said there is Tiao Tsu ( Police ) meditating upon

 And slowly he utters a sentence,

 " Is child a father of the Man (19)

  or

  " Lao Tsu next to Sun Tsu " ? (20)

 

So

 Kuai Tsu ( Killer ) is handling the knives ( Dao Tsu );

 While Guen Tsu ( Rod ) making the noodles ( Mian Tsu ).

 Above Zhuo Tsu ( Desk ) are Pan Tsu ( Plates ) and Kuai Tsu ( Chopsticks ).

 On Dan Tsu ( List ) are filled in Ri Tsu ( Dates ) and Chang Tsu ( Sessions )

 

 Jiao Hua Tsu ( Beggar )

 looks at Jing Tsu ( Mirror )

cuts off Bian Tsu ( Hair- curl )

 puts on Mao Tsu ( Cap )

 shaves Hu Tsu ( Beard )

 takes off Chun Tsu ( Skirt )

puts on Ku Tsu ( Pantalon )

 leaves Wa Tsu ( Socks ) there and

 throws away Xie Tsu ( Shoes ) here

 

 And bows in halves

 

 Chou Lai Tsu ( The Stinky )

 kisses Pi Tsu ( Yuppie )

 hugs Tu Tsu ( the Bald )

 farewells Zhu Tsu ( Master )

 quits Xiang Tsu ( Hu Tong ) (21)

 steps on Shi Tsu ( Stones )

 empties Ping Tsu ( Bottle )

 sells Jie Tsu ( Ring )

 puts away Chi Tsu ( the Chess-plate )

 

 And smiles lightly

 

 For

 In this banquet

 No matter the blind ( Xia Tsu ), the deaf ( Luong Tsu ) or the dumb ( Ya Tsu ),

 She or he has to be present by the number.

 No matter the crazed ( Feng Tsu ), the foolish ( Sha Tsu ) or the jobless ( Fan Tsu ),

 She or he has to be sincerely enthusiastic.

 No matter an actor ( Xi Tsu ), a harlot ( Biau Tsu ) or a pimp ( Bao Tsu ),

 She or he has to follows the rules.

 No matter a Neutron ( Zhong Tsu ), a Nuclear ( Yuan Tsu ) or a Molecular ( Fen Tsu ),

 She or he has to counted as the relative of Boa ( Qua Tsu ).

 

 The que has already been marching in

 Xi Tsu ( Persimmon ) has caught up Xia Tsu ( Shrimp )

 While You Tsu ( Grapefruit ) has dragged Zong Tsu ( Rice-cake ).

 Jiu Tsu ( Tangerine ) has embraced Chie Tsu ( Eggplant )

 While Lee Tsu ( Hazelnut ) has knocked at Tao Tsu ( Peach ).

 

 Erstwhile

 Chi Tsu ( Spoon ) has brought phonton

While Shao Tsu ( Big Spoon ) has added electronic.

 Jia Tsu ( Clipper ) has put away meson

 While Guo Tsu ( Pot ) has calculated quantum.

 On the road,

 Che Tsu ( Bus ) catch up the Jiao Tsu ( Car )

While Luen Tsu ( Wheel ) run over Tan Tsu ( Blanket ).

 Liu Tsu ( Donkey ) follows up Tuo Tsu ( Camel )

 While Jiang Tsu ( Paddle ) motivates Zou Tsu ( Boat ).

 

 So we realize that

 When Pen Tsu ( Small Basin ) empties Bao Tsu ( Spore ) and

 Bang Tsu ( Stick ) hits Tu Tsu ( Hare )

 

 They are for the sake of Yang Hou Tsu ( Foreign Monkey )

 to wake up Bai Tsu ( cups )

 and mobilize Cha Tsu ( forks )

 

 But

 Nevertheless to forget La Tsu ( Spice ), and still have to do away with Ye Tsu ( Leaves ) but Song  

 Tsu ( Pine Nut )

 And imported Wu Yu Tsu ( Caviar ).

 

 The tables are going to be served.

 but they still have to

 visit Men Tsu ( go around ),

 contact Jia Tsu ( put on air ),

 consider Chuang Tsu ( shut off the windows ) and

 care about Fa Tsu ( think of some other ways ).

 

 Only to be found out the situation is

 While Ban Tsu ( Wood ) informs Er Leng Tsu ( The Second Fool )

 To stop Lao Pou Tsu ( his old wife ) from fooling around Pai Tsu ( Poker-cards Playing ),

 Finally

There is still no other way to

 prevent Hau Dian Tsu ( Good Idea ) from coming up,

 Or Huai Pei Tsu ( Bad offspring ) from registering

 Or all the other unnamable philosophers - Gong Tsu ( Young Master ), Wang tsu ( Prince ), Chen Tsu ( Philosopher surnamed Chen ), Lin Tsu ( Philosopher surnamed Lin ), Wu Tsu ( Philosopher surnamed Wu ), Chien Tsu ( Philosopher  surnamed Chien ), Ban Tsu ( Son-in law ), Du Tsu ( Only Son ), Nei Tsu ( Wife ),  Dan Tsu ( Bullet ), Shai Tsu ( Dice ), Zhuo Tsu ( Bracelet ), Lian Tsu ( Necklace ), Zhuei Tsu ( Ear-rings ), Tain Tsu ( Emperor ), Di Tsu ( Disciple ), Li Tsu ( Beaver ), Litsu ( Ion ), Litsu ( Interiors ), Litsu ( Another Beaver ), Litsu ( Example ) ... who are still in a pretty lag behind

 from bon appétit!

 

 Notes

1. Bei Hei is a park in Beijing.

2. Nestle is the National Stadium in Beijing.

3. Sky Temple is a park in Beijing.

4. Great Walls are touristic sites in Beijing.

5. A Confucianist ( 1130 - 1200 A. D. ) in Song Dynasty.

6. A philosopher from Law school ( 316 - 237 ? B. C ).

7.  A Confucianist ( 551 - 479 B. C. ).

8. A representative of Mouist ( 470 - 391 B. C. ).

9. A philosopher from Law school ( 280 - 233 B. C. ).

10. A Daoist in Han Dynasty ( 283 - 343 A. D. ).

11. A representative of Yin and Yang school. ( 4th century B. C. ? )

12. A Daoist in Han Dynasty.

13. A Daoist ( 370 - 287 B.C. ).

14. A student of Confucius ( 505 - 435 B. C. ) who is noted for being pious.

15. A representative Confucianist next to Confucius ( 372-289 B. C. ).

16. A sophist in pre-Qin period.

17. A Daoist ( 372-289 B. C. )

18.  A philosopher from Law school ( 390 - 315 B. C. ? )

19. A motto  " The Child is the Father of Man " from English poet William Wordsworth ( 1770 - 1850 )

20. Sun Tsu is supposed to be the origin of Lao Tsu.

21. Alleys of Beijing.

 

 

 

百家爭鳴

吴嘉成

- 為北京世哲年會而作 (1)

 

廚子準備好了

餃子在北海(2)裡跳舞

包子在鳥巢(3)裡禪坐

瓜子在天壇(4)裡唱詩

李子在長城(5)裡哭泣

 

他們

跌了跤又轉了圈的是朱子(6)

放了屁又打了嗝的是荀子(7)

抽了煙又吐了痰的是孔子(8)

打了狗又撞了牆的是墨子(9)

 

妳們

韓非子(10)不是私生子

抱朴子(11)才是好男子

鬼谷子(12)懷了雙生子

淮南子(13)從不偷漢子

 

這時

卵子氣了精子

馬子揮了鞭子

舅子揹了嫂子

童子生了蟲子

 

孽子舉起了椰子

白子發現了黑子(14)

夫子找不到學子

外子成了舍利子(15)

 

她們 

又辯:

「若莊子(16)是女子

則曾子(17)是孝子

若片子裡沒有騙子

則獅子頭沒有虱子」

 

於是 

我們

只好讓

孟子(18)灑了銀子

公孫龍子(19)又情不自禁攀上了凱子

列子(20)罵道我不是呆子

慎子(21)一走就捅了摟子

 

鼻子吐出了豆子

腦子裝滿了丸子

眼珠子裡全是沙子

小子只想著腸子

 

你們

「他們這個夏天在北京碰了釘子

釘子說你下面吊了籃子

籃子說她裡頭裝了桶子

桶子說它上面有個蓋子

蓋子說我旁邊有個栓子

栓子說他們左邊還有個盒子

盒子說我們右方尚有個匣子

匣子說你們外邊可是個套子

套子說他後面有根柱子

柱子說它前面有個箱子

箱子上坐著個沉思的條子(22)

 

條子慢慢地說了個句子:

「 孩子是人子的老子?」(23)

還是

「老子是孫子的孩子?」(24)

 

於是

膾子揮起了刀子

棍子桿起了面子 

桌子擺上了盤子和筷子

單子寫上了日子和場子

 

一個叫花子(25)

照了鏡子

剪了辮子

戴了帽子

刮了鬍子

脫了裙子

穿了褲子

忘了襪子

扔了鞋子

 

深深一鞠躬

 

一個臭癩子

吻了痞子

抱了禿子

別了主子

出了弄子 (26)

踩了石子

乾了瓶子

賣了戒子

撤了棋子

 

淺淺一微笑

 

因為

這場盛宴

不分瞎子、聾子與啞子

都要對號入座

不管瘋子、傻子與販子

必須正經八百

不論戲子、婊子與鴇子

一律尊師重道

不比中子、原子與分子

都算夸子的親戚

 

排隊進場啦

 

柿子抓了蝦子

柚子拖了粽子

橘子把了茄子

栗子敲了桃子

 

同時

匙子舀了光子

勺子添了電子

夾子放了介子

鍋子盛了量子

 

一路上

車子趕了轎子

輪子壓了毯子

驢子追了駝子

槳子划了舟子

 

方知 原來

盆子倒了孢子

棒子打了兔子

 

就只為了隻洋猴子

去叫醒杯子

又出動叉子

還是遺漏了辣子、也多添了葉子、又少放了松子

還有進口的烏魚子

 

人數額滿了

卻還要去

串門子

擺架子

關窗子

想法子

 

最後  只見長板子通知了二愣子

止了他老婆子繼續打牌子

卻還是

擋不住好點子

攔不住壞胚子

也管不了後面的一大堆子 - 公子王子陳子林子吳子錢子半子獨子內子彈子骰子鐲子鍊子墜子天子弟子狸子離子裡子貍子例子...

已經自己先開動了

 

註釋

(1) 本新詩中的「子」字必讀 ( 三聲 ) 上聲。

(2) 北海,北京勝地之一。

(3) 北京國家體育館。

(4) 北京公園之一。

(5) 萬里長城,北京勝地之一。

(6) 宋儒代表人物,1130 - 1200 A. D.。

(7) 法家代表人物,316 - 237 ? B. C.

(8) 儒家代表人物,551 - 479 B. C.。

(9) 墨家代表人物,470 - 391 B. C.。

(10) 法家代表人物,280 - 233 B. C.。

(11) 漢代道家思想家,283 - 343 A. D. 。

(12) 戰國時期陰陽家代表人物,約紀元前 4 世紀在世。

(13) 漢代雜家代表著作。

(14) 天文學上的太陽黑洞。

(15) 佛家說的坐化之後所成為的石珠。

(16) 道家代表人物,370 - 287 B.C. 。

(17) 孔子學生,以孝出名。505 - 435 B. C. 。

(18) 儒家代表人物,僅次於孔子,372-289 B. C. 。

(19) 先秦名家代表人物,白馬非馬的詭辯者。

(20) 道家思想家,372-289 B. C. 。

(21) 法家人物,390 - 315 B. C. ?。

(22) 公安的俗稱。

(23) " The Child is the Father of Man " - 英人 William Wordsworth ( 1770 - 1850 ) 的詩句

(24) 一說:《孫子兵法》咸被認為是《老子》之原本。

(25) 街友。

(26) 北京的胡同。

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